1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
