I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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