I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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