I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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