Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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