I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
