I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
