My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
