Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
