I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize