I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
