Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
