my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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