life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Quick, to the slutcave!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
