how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
