I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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