I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize