I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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