my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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