I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
