someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
