is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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