you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
