i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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