i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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