life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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