just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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