You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
