I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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