im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
