i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
