He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
