6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
