do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
