if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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