omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
