I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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