he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
