I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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