There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
