Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
