four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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