I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
