hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
