I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
