That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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