I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
