Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
