He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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