I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
