I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
