i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
