I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
