I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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