I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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