Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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