Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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