I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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