I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
